another depressing moment.....

amp na buhay to....puro ata masasama nalang lagi mailalagay ko sa blog na to. wahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

ayaw ako pauwiin ngyon sa bahay, dahil galit na galit si papa sakin. I couldn't blame him though, I didn't tell him where I was in the first place. magdamag syang gising, nagaalala at kng ano ano pa.

It's true that this isn't the first time this has happened. sigh. me and my stubborn head. or maybe this is an unconscious manifestation of my grudge against them.

I admit that I'm the type of guy who likes to lurk around. yung tipo bang susulpot at mawawala nalang ng bigla. ganyan ako, ever since....kya ako nagkaron ng reputation for doing "teleports". hehehehe!

anyway, ginawa ko na naman kagabi yung ndi pagsabi kung asan ako. bakit kamo? sa totoo lang, I don't like disclosing my whereabouts (except sa baby ko of course). And because of this, I usually get in trouble. I god damn hate the feeling of being tracked down.

so ngyon, I won't be coming back to my house for another 3 days. funny thing about this though, is that whenever I get a new job, I always end up in trouble or at conflict with my parents BEFORE I start working. ano to? habit? pattern? fate? hehehehe!

unfortunately for them, my father's decision to not let me in the house made my hatred against them grow worse. It made me feel how useless, irresponsible, and a pain in the arse for the people around me. I've already accepted that fact. what's next? the end of the world for them? I easily get hurt emotionally. that's also a given fact.

sigh.....right now all I wish for is for me to be ran down by a train or a truck. hmmm......maybe I'll try to do that just this once. I wanna see the look on their faces. ahahahahahahahahaha! well, let's see how much guts I have for doing that. wahahahahahaha!

if ever man hindi matuloy yan, I hope I could find a place to stay within the next month. sa totoo lang, ayoko na talaga mabuhay kasama ang mga taong alam kong hindi ko makakasundo coz of some principles at yng exaggerated behaviour nila. I've been learning things on my own ever since, much better than them teaching me. proven fact yan (remembers the bike incident....). I wouldn't say that I'm better than them or better than the others, but in my own way, I get the things done one way or the other.

magkikita kami ng baby ko. I hope something good happens today, kasi wala na ata ngyari saking maganda this past 3 days, or I might commit suicide. wahahahahahahahah!!!

scary thoughts.....reliving the past.....

things you don't want and fear the most come to you at your most vulnerable moment.

sad, but true...

for my case, it maybe just it...

just had an argument last night. actually it's not an argument....it's more of a sermon (since im the one who's keeping silent about it).

I'll cut the long story short...I didn't do something immediately, and i was scolded for it. to make things worse, he insulted my existence, my values. and it made me flip. something so simple as not being able to take the clothes out of the hangers turned worse.

akala lang nya kasi, ako yng tipong taong NR lang when it comes to scolding. pero that's expected of him, since he's the one who's talking big about his past and his achievements as a former member of the management of IMI, the semiconductor company owned by ayala.

what a laugh....he brags about how he can read the personality of others and his so called management skills, but he can't even decipher his own son properly. how pitiful...he'll just die without knowing the real me. all he has are his so called "analysis" or "impressions".

I'm known for showing facades, for I move in the shadows....waiting to kill.

and those who know me quite well understand this trait of mine...the trait of, some might say, my alter ego.

and for that....for more than half of my life....I hated him....not only him, but everyone in this house.

the consequence? want to know? my thirst for vengeance has returned. I never thought that I would return to being the one who brings chaos. not only that, the loneliness onces again is piling up.

I also just told my baby to leave me alone for awhile, even though I don't want to. I needed some time alone, some time to relax and reflect on the situation. if this continuous, who knows what horror I'll conjure up the next time around. but in doing so, I also put her in a state of agony, which also comes back to me again.

I'm the one who should be making my baby happy. I'm the one who should be more understanding. But right now, I couldn't. I'm sorry for causing you so much trouble and pain. Ako na nga siguro ang pinakawalang kwentang bf sa mundo.

I'm now getting the feeling, once again, that no one in this world understands me. I can comprehend the most technical documents. I can listen to other people talk all day and understand what they're saying, what they're feeling. I've been known by others as someone they could talk, for I lend them my ear and understand their situation. but, here is the question....if i can understand others with ease.....

....can anyone understand me?

In short, I'm already burned out. I'm already tired of living with the people of this world.

I hope that the only person I'm counting on really does understand the workings of my perplexing mind.

some thoughts of mine

after 3 posts, ngyon lang magiging seryoso theme nito. wahahahahahahaha!!!

haaaaaaay....lintek na linggo to, yun ang pinakasummary ng mga nangyari this week. This week is one of those irritating weeks of my life. Malamang to dahil na rin sa stress. Pagod na ako sa work ko, pagod na ako magaral, pagdating ko sa gabi d2 sa bahay imbes na maka-relax ng derederecho, pinagpapakain ako ng aso (1 in the morning yan ha? and it's one of the chores i hate the most), tapos I just lost yung job offer dahil hindi makahintay yng lecheng client at mukang binarat na naman ako. Haaaaaay. Grabe talaga. Tapos napapaginitan ko pa baby ko. naging very sensitive na naman ako. Kanina naglaro ako, gusto ko sipain yung lintek na lvl 95 na pari namin dahil sa sinabi nyang "pangit ang build". e pano kung sinabi kong pangit ang build ng FS priest? tae pla sya e! yan ang mga taong ayoko....yung mga confined in a box kung magisip. /pif

nagusap din kami kagabi ng baby ko, dahil ang dalas kami nagaaway nowadays. sa totoo lang, I don't know what to think anymore. eto yng mga times na gusto ko nalang magwala and die. kaso naawa din ako sa baby ko, sya yng napapahamak sa mood swings ko, at marami din ako mapapahamak na tao. nagbigay na ako ng letter kahapon sa baby ko about what's been happening so far. nagusap na rin kami about what to do. we really love each other, kaya magkasama parin kami ngyon, kahit ano pa mga ngyari samin.

love conquers all ika nga nila.

sigh....these are the times na i would just want some time for myself. sounds selfish. maybe i'm selfish by nature. tapos there's also the issue about money and career. I want to get a new job, I want a higher salary, a better life. pero tuwing naiisip ko yan, pmpapasok ngyon sa eksena yng mga taong nangangailangan. parang ang lalabas kasi, yung bulk ng sweldo ko mappnta sa iba. gusto ko sila tulungan, and at the same time, ayoko. sigh....ayan, lumalabas din yung pagka-hybrid ko. living up to my reputation parin as an angel with devil's wings....sigh.

right now, 2 lang nasa isip ko...

1. sana gumanda na yng upcoming weeks for me.
2. sana lagi kong kasama baby ko.

yan lang muna siguro.

PAQING HIBERNATE!!!

taenang buhay to...ako na ata pinakatangang java developer sa mundo....hindi ko man lang mapagana tong lintek na hibernate na to....sigh.....

ilang araw ko na sinasabunutan sarili ko out of frustration. una hindi ko mapagana yung tools. ngyon ndi ko mapagana hibernate mismo. ano susunod kaya?

ano ngyon gagawin ko? yun malamang tanong nyo....simple lang....hindi ko to titigilan hanggat hindi ko napapatakbo tong hinayupak na to....

I'm uninstalling ALL JAVA RELATED PROGRAMS INCLUDING THE JVM, JDK, ETC, ETC, ETC!!! tas reinstall ulit. ANG SAYA!!!!!! POTAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PAK DA HIBERNATE TOOLS!!!!!

taena tong buhay na to....3 days ko na sinusubukan paganahin tong lintek na hinayupak na hibernate tools na to....pag ndi ko to mapagana, magreresort na ako sa manual creation ng xml file....at AYAW KO MANGYARI YUN!!!!!!!!

bakit kamo? isipin mo kung meron kang database na 50 tables at complex na ang relationships nila....tas gagawin mo yng hbm.xml file manually?! ano ako? sira ulo? wahahahahahaha!!!

pero sabagay...sira na rin ulo ko sa kakasetup nito...

ndi ko na alam kung ako'y isang saksakan ng tangang java developer, o talagang ayaw lang ako pagamitin ng tools?

halos lahat na ng gui mapping tools ng hibernate nadownload ko na. ano nalang ba kulang ko? lahat ndi ko mapagana!!!!!! POTA!!!!!!!!

sana bago matapos ang gabing ito, mapagana ko man lang yung automatic xml generation....magiging malaking tulong sakin yun.

sigh.....

ano ba to?

ano ba ang blog?....

hindi ko alam....

wahahhahahhahahhahahhahahha!!!!!

tama na tong kabaliwan na to bago ako tuluyan magwala....

teka, tignan ko nga pano magsetup nito.....